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Monday, March 10, 2014

Hindsight is 20/20

The saying of "hindsight is 20/20" is very well used and so very true.  I was thinking about this yesterday about all of the different choices I have made and got caught in the trap of "what if..."

I think the lessons I have learned these past couple of years have some of the biggest in my life.  I have grown as a person and learned to love and try new and different things.   I never would have done some of the stuff without my loving husband.  It is just funny to think that you can look back and see exactly what could have happened if the other choice was made.  Such as maybe you wouldn't have offended someone and your relationship with them wouldn't have suffered.

I write this post  because I keep trying to come to terms with the fact that we struggle with fertility and every time I hear how someone is expecting a new addition to their family I get bummed out all over again and   don't congratulate them and I automatically think negative thoughts.  Mostly about "Why can't I have my children two years apart like I wanted." "Why are they so lucky to have kids close together" "Lynlee is never going to have a close sibling (this one makes me really sad actually)" This fits in with this saying in that if I am genuinely excited for them will my circumstances be different.  Will I just find the peace I need to be the best mother I can to my little girl and potentially only child? Will I forget about having other children and get a surprise pregnancy?

I hate that I get stuck in the rut and I don't think Matt truly understands what I am going through.  I know there are other people out there that struggle with this and someday I will talk with them I am sure.  I just don't want to live in my mind of negativity every time I hear someone else's exciting news. I want to be able to look back and be excited for them and their life journey. I need to accept that maybe we do have a miracle baby and my life is not following the direction I wanted too.  For heaven sake I never wanted to live in a foreign country and I have and I look back and see what an amazing moment that was in my life.  My testimony grew in the gospel probably the most during that time.  I lived far away from my immediate family and I never wanted to do that and I met some amazing people because of it.

I want my hindsight to be filled with more positive and not negative thoughts.  So here is to a brighter future that will bring my little family closer together.  I am excited for the fact that we are going on our first family vacation soon and I don't have to worry about a young newborn or being really pregnant and uncomfortable.  I get to probably live more of my dream out of going on more vacations and seeing the world more because I don't have lot's kids.  I know there are different ways to look at this and the joys of lots of children,but this is how I get to look at it positively.

Sorry for this vent/whiny post, but it has been on my mind lately and I want it out of me.

I just read this blog post and it fits perfectly.


  1. Nikki I didn't realize you guys struggled with this. That is a hard thing. I'm glad you shared. Good job trying to look at it positively! We love you!

  2. Oh Nikki, I am so sorry that you are still struggling. I think it's great you are trying to be more positive, but I know that's hard. All I can say is to keep trusting in Heavenly Father. Hopefully, one day you can look back and see that He had a perfect plan for you. And just because your kids won't be super close in age doesn't mean they won't be close. Makenzie and Alex are almost 3 years apart and they are best friends. I have several friends that have siblings 4, 5, 10 years younger than them and they are the best of friends. I think you are an amazing person and I look up to you. You have always been a great example to me of someone with great faith. I am so sorry that you are going through this trial. I love you and if you ever need to talk (or need a distraction), I'm here for you!

  3. Nikki you are amazing! I don't blame you for struggling or venting or even sometimes feeling like wo is me. I think that means your are human ;) PRAY that is all I can say is pray, talk to Heavenly Father, He loves you and is aware of your struggle. He has a plan for you and I hope someday we can ALL look back and realize that His plan for us is and was perfect! I know in the middle of a trial you sometimes wonder, but don't give up your faith! Your kids will love each other no matter how far apart they are, I promise! Your faith is amazing and your are such a beautiful person! Hang in there!