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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Feelings lately

Ok so this might be a downer post, but I need to get how I feel right now out into the world without offending anyone or just feel like I am offending them.

So last January I had this strong feeling like we should have another child and ever since then we have been trying to conceive really pushing for it after our trip to Disney World in May.  Month after month I have been disappointed I wanted my children to be close to two years apart.  I know that I have had some really early miscarriages because I never cramp with my periods and when one comes a week or so late with cramping (along with symptoms a pregnancy preceding) and heavy bleeding I just know that is what is happening.  I take a long time to show the hcg hormone just fyi. It is difficult to get onto facebook and see all of these people declaring there pregnancy of their second or third child.  Announcing their gender and so forth.  I am sure God has a different plan for us, but it is so hard when people ask how old Lynlee is and then proceed to ask have you thought about another?  It is also always the worst when someone says they got pregnant on accident (it bothers me sooooo bad). I know I am related (in matt's family) to people that have had this issue and used other methods for conceiving.  I know there is nothing wrong with me unless something changed when Lynlee was born.

I know this is just me feeling insecure, but I know we can conceive or else we wouldn't have our beautiful daughter Lynlee. What about that feeling I had about having another child was that just smoke and I was completely conjuring that up? Ugh I am just frustrated.  I was sure this month would be the one I had symptoms, but aunt flow made an early appearance this month just to say nope not this time.

On a brighter note we went to a Chinese restaurant Saturday and my fortune said that I would get some good news in three months haha.  Matt and I joked that was when we would find out the gender of our child (not the case anymore).  Maybe that is when we will find out that we are expecting.  Also if anyone knows me knows that I hate talking about this topic to anyone besides my husband I feel awkward when I do.  When things are really personal to me it is hard to trust them with my emotions.

Sorry for this blabber post, but i had to get this out of my system.


  1. Oh Nikki I am so sorry to hear you have been struggling with this. I just want you to know that I love you guys and think you are just amazing. You will get thru this trail and don't for a minute think that you shouldn't be upset about this.....cause you have every right to be. We will be praying for you and your sweet family!!!!

  2. What Jenni said exactly! Know you have lots of friends and family who love you and will be praying for you!

  3. Nikki I am sorry. We'll keep you guys in our prayers. Know we're here for you. We love you guys!